Your Relationship with Your Teen is Like a Bank Account
If you’re raising a teen, you already know how frustrating AND rewarding this season of life can be. One day they might want to hang for hours, and the next day they shut their door and give you one-word answers, like everything you say is an inconvenience. It’s normal to feel frustrated and unsure how to stay connected during their last years at home. One helpful way to think about it is this: your relationship with your teen is like a bank account.
Every interaction you have is either a deposit or a withdrawal from that emotional bank account. Listening without giving advice? Deposit. A kind word or a moment of shared laughter? Deposit. A harsh comment, dismissive tone, or overreaction? Withdrawal. None of us are perfect, and some withdrawals are unavoidable. Giving consequences is a necessary part of parenting that often feels like a big withdrawal to both parents and teens. (I mean no one becomes a parent so they can discipline, right!?) But healthy relationships have more deposits than withdrawals, giving you a strong balance to weather the tough moments.
For parents, this means looking for small, everyday ways to make deposits. You don’t need grand gestures—most teens crave simple, authentic moments of connection. Talk to them while you make dinner. Ask about the things they care about, even if their interests don’t make sense to you. Offer praise when they’ve worked hard. Be willing to apologize when you’ve messed up. Over time, these small actions add up and build trust. Relationship expert John Gottman says that the magic ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1. This can be especially hard for parents when adolescent behaviors are big, unacceptable, or risky!
It’s also important to remember that teens notice effort. They know that you are the parent and don’t expect you to act just like their best friend. They might roll their eyes or shrug you off sometimes—that’s part of their development as they grow and find independence. But don’t underestimate the impact of showing up again and again. Each deposit tells your teen, “I care about you. I’m here. You matter to me.” I have heard over and over in my 13 years as a teen counselor, teens want to connect and have amazing relationships with their parents. Their relationship bank account matters to them more than they often let on!